I'm back

It's been a while. . . did ya miss me??

Here's a recap: Saw my GYN on September 30th, discovered my fibroid was growing (I knew I had one, but it now was the size of a grapefruit and she recommended that I have it removed before attempting to concieve again). Soooo. . . the last 2 months consisted of setting up my surgery date and recovering!

Today I am 2 weeks post op from an abdominal myomectomy and I feel great! She couldn't remove it lap, so I had to have an open incision. My recovery was longer than a lap, and I'll return to work next week.

So, I saw my doctor today and she said that all my organs/tubes looked good, so we are free to start trying again in 6 MONTHS. Crap. I was a bit crestfallen with that number. 6 months. May. Holy moly. Ok. We can handle this. We are disappointed. The good news is that I've been chatting with DH about getting him tested and hopefully that will be arranged soon and we can get that behind us. Phew. So, now we wait.

The practical side of me thinks, great! You've got 6 months to lose weight!! The folks on the biggest loser lost like 100 lbs in 6 months so this is great! Now. . .ok. . that means discipline. . . eating well. .. no emotional eating. . . excercise. . . must start now. . . must start now. . . but let me get more ice cream first :).

So, off to bed soon because I need to get onto my regular sleep schedule. This mini vacation has been good-- but I'm getting bored! I can drive now, yay!

ok

I should know better than to blog when I'm so hormonal. So, if you read the last entry, please understand. I am blessed, happy. But sometimes I get so consumed with what I want and don't have that my emotions overtrake me.

tired

I'm tired of this. Selfish, tired, jealous, pissed off, angry, and f$#^ing frustrated. Every 27 days I feel the same way.

I feel stupid. Foolish. Unloved.

No longer hopeful.

My period started this morning. I am defeated. Tears won't stop. I know it's hormones. I know all I want to do is sit on the couch and be sad. Mike's going to church. I can't.

I go to the doctor on Wednesday, on our 3rd anniversary. I called last week, told them I might be on my period. . . no problem. So, I need to write down everything and bring it to my doctor. I have the feeling first line of action will be to test Mike and he's not exactly thrilled about that. He's worried his boys aren't strong enough. Very hard on the ego. We shall see.

I'm just very moody today, very jealous of all the baby pictures and pregnant "friends" on facebook. I know I'm not alone. These past several months I've met quite a few people who are unable to have babies, who have adopted, who have remained child free. Deep down I think these people are in my life because God is showing me full lives with out without kids, without pregnancy. And I don't want to know that. I just want a baby of my own.

This is all on top of other stresses in my life. . . divorcing brother (my heart is broken), church planting (wow), work stess and losing patients. . . my shoulders are so tense right now they hurt.

Doing better

I'm doing better. Feeling better. Going to the doctor in a few weeks (no I didn't lose the 40 pounds! I did, however, drag myself to the gym today!!). Joined an online local support group. It's a new day, new week, new month.

God is good.

I still catch my breath at times when I see newborn babies. . . like today we were at a fun local event at a plantation. A young guy was holding this tiny, beautiful baby and I just took a deep breath and sighed. Longing. Can't wait to meet ours, someday!

Longing. Everyone has that in common. We are all longing for something. A mate. Healing. Financial security. Attaining a goal. Chocolate :). Children. We all deeply long to know our Creator, whether we know it or not. I need to remember that when I interact with others, especially those who are hard to love!

And I need to spend more time with my Creator. I feel like pushing Him away when I am sad or disappointed. But the peace will ultimately come from Him, and not from my wallowing in self pity.

Just a quick note tonight. . . needing to just breathe.

Get over it!

I got my period Tuesday. I cried. I was moody all weekend, weepy. Thought maybe perhaps my hormones were wacky for the opposite reason. NOPE! Sometimes I even convince myself that, despite my period, I actually am pregnant-- like one of those crazy "I didn't know I was pregnant" TV shows. News flash-- getting one's period is nature's way of saying NOT PREGNANT.

I wish that everyone who's had children know what it's like to NOT get pregnant. What it's like to long for that, yet not have it. The infamous Duggar family announced baby #19 is on the way. Many friends are pregnant with their 2nd or 3rd. . it seems so easy for so many. My cousin is due next month. . . she's a bigger girl and I thought if either of us would have trouble it would be her. I guess I'm just discouraged.

I'm frustrated. It took 30 years to find a great guy, and I thought I'd waited enough. More waiting, it seems, is in my future.

I need to stop crying now.

Ahh. . . therapy.

irritable

It's funny how little things make us angry or irritable. Like dirty laundry on the floor, old newspapers not thrown out. Weeds in the yard. Clutter. A neighbor who is preggo and due in December. Yeah. All those things irritate me. I love our neighbors. We don't see them often. . . we are busy like they are. But their house couldn't be closer! Today, while doing yardwork, Mike and I saw the lovely glowing mother and chatted for a bit. I genuinely am so happy for her-- a girl in December to join big brother! We caught up, and offered assistance if she needs anything, as her sweet hubby travels a ton for work. The rest of the day I was irritable. Unmotivated. Just wanted to sit and watch HGTV and dream of what I don't have. DH and I got into an argument about a misplaced item. I got frustrated. Overwhelmed. Defeated. After dinner, he asked me: "Was it hard to see her? You want to be like her, don't you. I'm sorry. Is that why you're so edgy???" YES!!! It was actually quite endearing. . .the fact that he got it. He figured it out. He knows my longings.

God knows them to.

Last week at work a coworker and I were chatting at the end of the day. She approached me. "How is the trying to have a baby journey going?" She announced her pregnancy the same month I stopped birth control, and so I felt like we would both be in the family way fairly soon. Not so much. She now has a gorgeous 6 month old. She feels for me. She knows she's so blessed to have gotten pregnant after 6 months of trying. . .and yet she could relate to some of the same emotions I've been feeling month after month. We're the same age, married about the same amount of time. We chatted for a good while- about longings, medical advancements, husbands, babies. She encouraged me to not be afraid. Get checked out. Fix any problems as needed. Don't worry. I really needed that encouragement! I try to be strong, and not talk about it much to those I'm not too close to. Coworkers have different boundaries then close friends. Thankfully, this dear coworker, friend and sister in Christ felt compelled to talk, to ask, to hug, to listen, to offer wisdom and a shoulder to cry on. I really needed that. I feel foolish at times. I feel like I'm just another nurse in the busy office. I feel like a staff member. But that day I felt like work was more like a family. Thanks to my favorite PA for helping me open up feel comfortable talking about my heavy heart.

Sidenote: Of course, in my very special way, in the wee back of my mind, I was being attacked during that conversation. It went like this: "Well, you know she's thinking you're not preggo because you're fat. It's really that easy. If you'd just lose the weight, Melissa. . . . " Am I just crazy! Dear sweet coworker lavishes me with compassion and love and encouragement and I think she just thinks I'm fat. I need some serious help.

Speaking of weight: I sometimes think I compensate for my weight by being witty or extra sweet in social or work situations. I think, well, they can't like me for my look, so I need to be very clever or super compassionate. SICK. I need to be diagnosed.

I am not very happy that tomorrow is Monday. Work has been stressful with many nurses out of vacation/medical leave/covering other offices. I feel for my Nurse Manager. I don't envy her for a minute. The dynamics at work have been very weird. One nurse pretty much doesn't talk to me, doesn't like me. I don't think she has a reason to dislike me, but she does. Oh well. I just work, stay out of her way, have polite conversation, and carry on. One nurse I find myself resenting because of her performance status. She's older, has some health issues. I love her dearly (she's my work mom), but I get so frustrated when we're busy and she can't keep up. . . and that means I pick up the slack. I need to start letting that stuff go. I need stop resenting when I take care of more patients or do more work than the others. I pray that God would cleanse me from this, help me shake it off. That He would encourage me in my work and allow me to be efficient without comparing myself to the others. I need to be the best me, and not worry about them!! WHY DO I COMPARE AND GET MAD WHEN I DO MORE WORK? If I'm able, then I should do it and bless my patients and my coworkers. That is a big reason why I get STRESSED at work. Lord Jesus, please help me let it go!!!!!!


My ultimate prayer for this week? That I'd be pleasant, non-irritable, allowing GOD to shine. It's gotta be the Holy Spirit power. . . because I know I can't do it on my own!!

Ahh, therapy

I have decided this will be my form of therapy. Writing down my feelings, my rants, my frustrations, my smiles, my everythings! I don't care if anyone reads. . . . I just need to get it off my chest. I don't know if I'll update regularly or not. I just need to do this now.



We've been trying for a baby for 15 months now, and, when asked, I just say "over a year" because the acutal number of months is too hard to say out loud.



Many don't know what a struggle this has been for me, how scared I am, how much of a failure I feel, how I just wish we hadn't told anyone when we decided to try for a family. How I wish I was 10 years younger (I'm 33 years old, and got married at age 30, started trying just shy of my 32nd birthday. . . plenty of time, right?). How I wish I was skinny (I tell myself, stupid girl, you could've lost weight by now but you're still a size 16, no wonder you're not pregnant). I'm totally blaming myself. And I'm writing to tell myself to STOP IT!!! There are plenty to chubby thirty-something women pregnant in this world. . . I need to stop beating myself up!!



The beauty of it is. . . I feel closer to God than ever. I feel like the stories of Hannah and Abram and Sarah are leaping off the pages telling me NOTHING is IMPOSSIBLE with GOD. He is the creator of life, the giver of breath, and HE can do it!!! And I think of Hannah and Sarah in a time where there were no OPKs or fertility monitors or charts to track. . . and while I'm grateful for the technology, I wonder if it all just adds to the stress and strain of it. Something to ponder. But YES, God is close. I know that when I hurt, He hurts, too. And while I know HE could make a baby with a command, He is choosing to mold my heart to trust Him, no matter what road He takes us down. It's bittersweet-- the freedom of laying my fears and failures and desires before God, and TRUSTING Him. But the question is, trusting Him for what? If a baby is not in our future, if my dreams and desires are not in our future. . . I am TRUSTING Him with my life, my dreams, my desires. Turn MY desires in to YOUR desires, LORD. MOLD me into what YOU want. Help me to let go of whatever is keeping me from YOU. Still knowing that I was created for life. To give life. I was created to be a mother. I sometimes just struggle with reconciling it all. I know I will always have this deep desire to be a mom. . . and I need to turn the waiting and wondering and questioning into a time to dig deep and walk and talk with my Jesus. It's a daily thing.



This month, I discovered I was not pregnant while DH was out of town. I was a day late, and I was already getting excited about how I was going to tell him when he got home. Should I wrap up the BFP test? Buy a card. Call him Daddy? Then, that night, my fantasy came to a stop. And I crawled in bed, saying out loud over and over, "I'm OK, I'm OK, I'm OK." Crying. Taking deep breaths, and berating myself for having hope. He called the next morning on my way to work. He asked. I cried. Big fat mascara tears. I couldn't stop. It took a few minutes to gather myself. I was OK, though. My sweet DH is OK, too. He hurts, too. He wants a baby, too. We cry together. While he may not experience the pain as deeply as I do, he does hurt. And sometimes that make me feel better, sometimes it makes me feel like I've failed him.



I go to the doctor next month. I was putting it off, kept on buying myself one more month, one more try. I made the appointment for the end of September. I was relieved that it was the only appointment they had. . .now I can lose 40 pounds in 6 weeks (ha, ha!!! just kidding. . . but I am motivated to try to get a little healthier!). I know I should've gone sooner. . . but. . . ya know, denial can be pretty convincing.



Deep breaths. Another month to try again. Off to buy more OPKs (I already bought the fertility monitor for some peace of mind. . . normal!!). Off to read more blogs and know I'm not alone. . . and off to snuggle with my wonderful, sweet, dear loving husband. I am ever so thankful for him. Definately worth the wait. I have a feeling God knows what He's doing in these seasons of waiting.