Ahh, therapy

I have decided this will be my form of therapy. Writing down my feelings, my rants, my frustrations, my smiles, my everythings! I don't care if anyone reads. . . . I just need to get it off my chest. I don't know if I'll update regularly or not. I just need to do this now.



We've been trying for a baby for 15 months now, and, when asked, I just say "over a year" because the acutal number of months is too hard to say out loud.



Many don't know what a struggle this has been for me, how scared I am, how much of a failure I feel, how I just wish we hadn't told anyone when we decided to try for a family. How I wish I was 10 years younger (I'm 33 years old, and got married at age 30, started trying just shy of my 32nd birthday. . . plenty of time, right?). How I wish I was skinny (I tell myself, stupid girl, you could've lost weight by now but you're still a size 16, no wonder you're not pregnant). I'm totally blaming myself. And I'm writing to tell myself to STOP IT!!! There are plenty to chubby thirty-something women pregnant in this world. . . I need to stop beating myself up!!



The beauty of it is. . . I feel closer to God than ever. I feel like the stories of Hannah and Abram and Sarah are leaping off the pages telling me NOTHING is IMPOSSIBLE with GOD. He is the creator of life, the giver of breath, and HE can do it!!! And I think of Hannah and Sarah in a time where there were no OPKs or fertility monitors or charts to track. . . and while I'm grateful for the technology, I wonder if it all just adds to the stress and strain of it. Something to ponder. But YES, God is close. I know that when I hurt, He hurts, too. And while I know HE could make a baby with a command, He is choosing to mold my heart to trust Him, no matter what road He takes us down. It's bittersweet-- the freedom of laying my fears and failures and desires before God, and TRUSTING Him. But the question is, trusting Him for what? If a baby is not in our future, if my dreams and desires are not in our future. . . I am TRUSTING Him with my life, my dreams, my desires. Turn MY desires in to YOUR desires, LORD. MOLD me into what YOU want. Help me to let go of whatever is keeping me from YOU. Still knowing that I was created for life. To give life. I was created to be a mother. I sometimes just struggle with reconciling it all. I know I will always have this deep desire to be a mom. . . and I need to turn the waiting and wondering and questioning into a time to dig deep and walk and talk with my Jesus. It's a daily thing.



This month, I discovered I was not pregnant while DH was out of town. I was a day late, and I was already getting excited about how I was going to tell him when he got home. Should I wrap up the BFP test? Buy a card. Call him Daddy? Then, that night, my fantasy came to a stop. And I crawled in bed, saying out loud over and over, "I'm OK, I'm OK, I'm OK." Crying. Taking deep breaths, and berating myself for having hope. He called the next morning on my way to work. He asked. I cried. Big fat mascara tears. I couldn't stop. It took a few minutes to gather myself. I was OK, though. My sweet DH is OK, too. He hurts, too. He wants a baby, too. We cry together. While he may not experience the pain as deeply as I do, he does hurt. And sometimes that make me feel better, sometimes it makes me feel like I've failed him.



I go to the doctor next month. I was putting it off, kept on buying myself one more month, one more try. I made the appointment for the end of September. I was relieved that it was the only appointment they had. . .now I can lose 40 pounds in 6 weeks (ha, ha!!! just kidding. . . but I am motivated to try to get a little healthier!). I know I should've gone sooner. . . but. . . ya know, denial can be pretty convincing.



Deep breaths. Another month to try again. Off to buy more OPKs (I already bought the fertility monitor for some peace of mind. . . normal!!). Off to read more blogs and know I'm not alone. . . and off to snuggle with my wonderful, sweet, dear loving husband. I am ever so thankful for him. Definately worth the wait. I have a feeling God knows what He's doing in these seasons of waiting.