tired

I'm tired of this. Selfish, tired, jealous, pissed off, angry, and f$#^ing frustrated. Every 27 days I feel the same way.

I feel stupid. Foolish. Unloved.

No longer hopeful.

My period started this morning. I am defeated. Tears won't stop. I know it's hormones. I know all I want to do is sit on the couch and be sad. Mike's going to church. I can't.

I go to the doctor on Wednesday, on our 3rd anniversary. I called last week, told them I might be on my period. . . no problem. So, I need to write down everything and bring it to my doctor. I have the feeling first line of action will be to test Mike and he's not exactly thrilled about that. He's worried his boys aren't strong enough. Very hard on the ego. We shall see.

I'm just very moody today, very jealous of all the baby pictures and pregnant "friends" on facebook. I know I'm not alone. These past several months I've met quite a few people who are unable to have babies, who have adopted, who have remained child free. Deep down I think these people are in my life because God is showing me full lives with out without kids, without pregnancy. And I don't want to know that. I just want a baby of my own.

This is all on top of other stresses in my life. . . divorcing brother (my heart is broken), church planting (wow), work stess and losing patients. . . my shoulders are so tense right now they hurt.