ok

I should know better than to blog when I'm so hormonal. So, if you read the last entry, please understand. I am blessed, happy. But sometimes I get so consumed with what I want and don't have that my emotions overtrake me.

tired

I'm tired of this. Selfish, tired, jealous, pissed off, angry, and f$#^ing frustrated. Every 27 days I feel the same way.

I feel stupid. Foolish. Unloved.

No longer hopeful.

My period started this morning. I am defeated. Tears won't stop. I know it's hormones. I know all I want to do is sit on the couch and be sad. Mike's going to church. I can't.

I go to the doctor on Wednesday, on our 3rd anniversary. I called last week, told them I might be on my period. . . no problem. So, I need to write down everything and bring it to my doctor. I have the feeling first line of action will be to test Mike and he's not exactly thrilled about that. He's worried his boys aren't strong enough. Very hard on the ego. We shall see.

I'm just very moody today, very jealous of all the baby pictures and pregnant "friends" on facebook. I know I'm not alone. These past several months I've met quite a few people who are unable to have babies, who have adopted, who have remained child free. Deep down I think these people are in my life because God is showing me full lives with out without kids, without pregnancy. And I don't want to know that. I just want a baby of my own.

This is all on top of other stresses in my life. . . divorcing brother (my heart is broken), church planting (wow), work stess and losing patients. . . my shoulders are so tense right now they hurt.

Doing better

I'm doing better. Feeling better. Going to the doctor in a few weeks (no I didn't lose the 40 pounds! I did, however, drag myself to the gym today!!). Joined an online local support group. It's a new day, new week, new month.

God is good.

I still catch my breath at times when I see newborn babies. . . like today we were at a fun local event at a plantation. A young guy was holding this tiny, beautiful baby and I just took a deep breath and sighed. Longing. Can't wait to meet ours, someday!

Longing. Everyone has that in common. We are all longing for something. A mate. Healing. Financial security. Attaining a goal. Chocolate :). Children. We all deeply long to know our Creator, whether we know it or not. I need to remember that when I interact with others, especially those who are hard to love!

And I need to spend more time with my Creator. I feel like pushing Him away when I am sad or disappointed. But the peace will ultimately come from Him, and not from my wallowing in self pity.

Just a quick note tonight. . . needing to just breathe.

Get over it!

I got my period Tuesday. I cried. I was moody all weekend, weepy. Thought maybe perhaps my hormones were wacky for the opposite reason. NOPE! Sometimes I even convince myself that, despite my period, I actually am pregnant-- like one of those crazy "I didn't know I was pregnant" TV shows. News flash-- getting one's period is nature's way of saying NOT PREGNANT.

I wish that everyone who's had children know what it's like to NOT get pregnant. What it's like to long for that, yet not have it. The infamous Duggar family announced baby #19 is on the way. Many friends are pregnant with their 2nd or 3rd. . it seems so easy for so many. My cousin is due next month. . . she's a bigger girl and I thought if either of us would have trouble it would be her. I guess I'm just discouraged.

I'm frustrated. It took 30 years to find a great guy, and I thought I'd waited enough. More waiting, it seems, is in my future.

I need to stop crying now.

Ahh. . . therapy.