It's funny how little things make us angry or irritable. Like dirty laundry on the floor, old newspapers not thrown out. Weeds in the yard. Clutter. A neighbor who is preggo and due in December. Yeah. All those things irritate me. I love our neighbors. We don't see them often. . . we are busy like they are. But their house couldn't be closer! Today, while doing yardwork, Mike and I saw the lovely glowing mother and chatted for a bit. I genuinely am so happy for her-- a girl in December to join big brother! We caught up, and offered assistance if she needs anything, as her sweet hubby travels a ton for work. The rest of the day I was irritable. Unmotivated. Just wanted to sit and watch HGTV and dream of what I don't have. DH and I got into an argument about a misplaced item. I got frustrated. Overwhelmed. Defeated. After dinner, he asked me: "Was it hard to see her? You want to be like her, don't you. I'm sorry. Is that why you're so edgy???" YES!!! It was actually quite endearing. . .the fact that he got it. He figured it out. He knows my longings.
God knows them to.
Last week at work a coworker and I were chatting at the end of the day. She approached me. "How is the trying to have a baby journey going?" She announced her pregnancy the same month I stopped birth control, and so I felt like we would both be in the family way fairly soon. Not so much. She now has a gorgeous 6 month old. She feels for me. She knows she's so blessed to have gotten pregnant after 6 months of trying. . .and yet she could relate to some of the same emotions I've been feeling month after month. We're the same age, married about the same amount of time. We chatted for a good while- about longings, medical advancements, husbands, babies. She encouraged me to not be afraid. Get checked out. Fix any problems as needed. Don't worry. I really needed that encouragement! I try to be strong, and not talk about it much to those I'm not too close to. Coworkers have different boundaries then close friends. Thankfully, this dear coworker, friend and sister in Christ felt compelled to talk, to ask, to hug, to listen, to offer wisdom and a shoulder to cry on. I really needed that. I feel foolish at times. I feel like I'm just another nurse in the busy office. I feel like a staff member. But that day I felt like work was more like a family. Thanks to my favorite PA for helping me open up feel comfortable talking about my heavy heart.
Sidenote: Of course, in my very special way, in the wee back of my mind, I was being attacked during that conversation. It went like this: "Well, you know she's thinking you're not preggo because you're fat. It's really that easy. If you'd just lose the weight, Melissa. . . . " Am I just crazy! Dear sweet coworker lavishes me with compassion and love and encouragement and I think she just thinks I'm fat. I need some serious help.
Speaking of weight: I sometimes think I compensate for my weight by being witty or extra sweet in social or work situations. I think, well, they can't like me for my look, so I need to be very clever or super compassionate. SICK. I need to be diagnosed.
I am not very happy that tomorrow is Monday. Work has been stressful with many nurses out of vacation/medical leave/covering other offices. I feel for my Nurse Manager. I don't envy her for a minute. The dynamics at work have been very weird. One nurse pretty much doesn't talk to me, doesn't like me. I don't think she has a reason to dislike me, but she does. Oh well. I just work, stay out of her way, have polite conversation, and carry on. One nurse I find myself resenting because of her performance status. She's older, has some health issues. I love her dearly (she's my work mom), but I get so frustrated when we're busy and she can't keep up. . . and that means I pick up the slack. I need to start letting that stuff go. I need stop resenting when I take care of more patients or do more work than the others. I pray that God would cleanse me from this, help me shake it off. That He would encourage me in my work and allow me to be efficient without comparing myself to the others. I need to be the best me, and not worry about them!! WHY DO I COMPARE AND GET MAD WHEN I DO MORE WORK? If I'm able, then I should do it and bless my patients and my coworkers. That is a big reason why I get STRESSED at work. Lord Jesus, please help me let it go!!!!!!
My ultimate prayer for this week? That I'd be pleasant, non-irritable, allowing GOD to shine. It's gotta be the Holy Spirit power. . . because I know I can't do it on my own!!
Sunday, August 23, 2009
Sunday, August 9, 2009
Ahh, therapy
I have decided this will be my form of therapy. Writing down my feelings, my rants, my frustrations, my smiles, my everythings! I don't care if anyone reads. . . . I just need to get it off my chest. I don't know if I'll update regularly or not. I just need to do this now.
We've been trying for a baby for 15 months now, and, when asked, I just say "over a year" because the acutal number of months is too hard to say out loud.
Many don't know what a struggle this has been for me, how scared I am, how much of a failure I feel, how I just wish we hadn't told anyone when we decided to try for a family. How I wish I was 10 years younger (I'm 33 years old, and got married at age 30, started trying just shy of my 32nd birthday. . . plenty of time, right?). How I wish I was skinny (I tell myself, stupid girl, you could've lost weight by now but you're still a size 16, no wonder you're not pregnant). I'm totally blaming myself. And I'm writing to tell myself to STOP IT!!! There are plenty to chubby thirty-something women pregnant in this world. . . I need to stop beating myself up!!
The beauty of it is. . . I feel closer to God than ever. I feel like the stories of Hannah and Abram and Sarah are leaping off the pages telling me NOTHING is IMPOSSIBLE with GOD. He is the creator of life, the giver of breath, and HE can do it!!! And I think of Hannah and Sarah in a time where there were no OPKs or fertility monitors or charts to track. . . and while I'm grateful for the technology, I wonder if it all just adds to the stress and strain of it. Something to ponder. But YES, God is close. I know that when I hurt, He hurts, too. And while I know HE could make a baby with a command, He is choosing to mold my heart to trust Him, no matter what road He takes us down. It's bittersweet-- the freedom of laying my fears and failures and desires before God, and TRUSTING Him. But the question is, trusting Him for what? If a baby is not in our future, if my dreams and desires are not in our future. . . I am TRUSTING Him with my life, my dreams, my desires. Turn MY desires in to YOUR desires, LORD. MOLD me into what YOU want. Help me to let go of whatever is keeping me from YOU. Still knowing that I was created for life. To give life. I was created to be a mother. I sometimes just struggle with reconciling it all. I know I will always have this deep desire to be a mom. . . and I need to turn the waiting and wondering and questioning into a time to dig deep and walk and talk with my Jesus. It's a daily thing.
This month, I discovered I was not pregnant while DH was out of town. I was a day late, and I was already getting excited about how I was going to tell him when he got home. Should I wrap up the BFP test? Buy a card. Call him Daddy? Then, that night, my fantasy came to a stop. And I crawled in bed, saying out loud over and over, "I'm OK, I'm OK, I'm OK." Crying. Taking deep breaths, and berating myself for having hope. He called the next morning on my way to work. He asked. I cried. Big fat mascara tears. I couldn't stop. It took a few minutes to gather myself. I was OK, though. My sweet DH is OK, too. He hurts, too. He wants a baby, too. We cry together. While he may not experience the pain as deeply as I do, he does hurt. And sometimes that make me feel better, sometimes it makes me feel like I've failed him.
I go to the doctor next month. I was putting it off, kept on buying myself one more month, one more try. I made the appointment for the end of September. I was relieved that it was the only appointment they had. . .now I can lose 40 pounds in 6 weeks (ha, ha!!! just kidding. . . but I am motivated to try to get a little healthier!). I know I should've gone sooner. . . but. . . ya know, denial can be pretty convincing.
Deep breaths. Another month to try again. Off to buy more OPKs (I already bought the fertility monitor for some peace of mind. . . normal!!). Off to read more blogs and know I'm not alone. . . and off to snuggle with my wonderful, sweet, dear loving husband. I am ever so thankful for him. Definately worth the wait. I have a feeling God knows what He's doing in these seasons of waiting.
We've been trying for a baby for 15 months now, and, when asked, I just say "over a year" because the acutal number of months is too hard to say out loud.
Many don't know what a struggle this has been for me, how scared I am, how much of a failure I feel, how I just wish we hadn't told anyone when we decided to try for a family. How I wish I was 10 years younger (I'm 33 years old, and got married at age 30, started trying just shy of my 32nd birthday. . . plenty of time, right?). How I wish I was skinny (I tell myself, stupid girl, you could've lost weight by now but you're still a size 16, no wonder you're not pregnant). I'm totally blaming myself. And I'm writing to tell myself to STOP IT!!! There are plenty to chubby thirty-something women pregnant in this world. . . I need to stop beating myself up!!
The beauty of it is. . . I feel closer to God than ever. I feel like the stories of Hannah and Abram and Sarah are leaping off the pages telling me NOTHING is IMPOSSIBLE with GOD. He is the creator of life, the giver of breath, and HE can do it!!! And I think of Hannah and Sarah in a time where there were no OPKs or fertility monitors or charts to track. . . and while I'm grateful for the technology, I wonder if it all just adds to the stress and strain of it. Something to ponder. But YES, God is close. I know that when I hurt, He hurts, too. And while I know HE could make a baby with a command, He is choosing to mold my heart to trust Him, no matter what road He takes us down. It's bittersweet-- the freedom of laying my fears and failures and desires before God, and TRUSTING Him. But the question is, trusting Him for what? If a baby is not in our future, if my dreams and desires are not in our future. . . I am TRUSTING Him with my life, my dreams, my desires. Turn MY desires in to YOUR desires, LORD. MOLD me into what YOU want. Help me to let go of whatever is keeping me from YOU. Still knowing that I was created for life. To give life. I was created to be a mother. I sometimes just struggle with reconciling it all. I know I will always have this deep desire to be a mom. . . and I need to turn the waiting and wondering and questioning into a time to dig deep and walk and talk with my Jesus. It's a daily thing.
This month, I discovered I was not pregnant while DH was out of town. I was a day late, and I was already getting excited about how I was going to tell him when he got home. Should I wrap up the BFP test? Buy a card. Call him Daddy? Then, that night, my fantasy came to a stop. And I crawled in bed, saying out loud over and over, "I'm OK, I'm OK, I'm OK." Crying. Taking deep breaths, and berating myself for having hope. He called the next morning on my way to work. He asked. I cried. Big fat mascara tears. I couldn't stop. It took a few minutes to gather myself. I was OK, though. My sweet DH is OK, too. He hurts, too. He wants a baby, too. We cry together. While he may not experience the pain as deeply as I do, he does hurt. And sometimes that make me feel better, sometimes it makes me feel like I've failed him.
I go to the doctor next month. I was putting it off, kept on buying myself one more month, one more try. I made the appointment for the end of September. I was relieved that it was the only appointment they had. . .now I can lose 40 pounds in 6 weeks (ha, ha!!! just kidding. . . but I am motivated to try to get a little healthier!). I know I should've gone sooner. . . but. . . ya know, denial can be pretty convincing.
Deep breaths. Another month to try again. Off to buy more OPKs (I already bought the fertility monitor for some peace of mind. . . normal!!). Off to read more blogs and know I'm not alone. . . and off to snuggle with my wonderful, sweet, dear loving husband. I am ever so thankful for him. Definately worth the wait. I have a feeling God knows what He's doing in these seasons of waiting.
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